Who Knew
by tooweaktocureyou
Summary: Hannah Abbott has four choices. EMHA


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot. **

"**Who Knew" by P!nk**

_  
You took my hand  
You showed me how  
You promised me you'd be around  
_

There are many days I wish I could remember and recite with great detail. I want to clearly remember the day that I was born. I want to distinctly remember the day I got my letter from Hogwarts. I want to vividly remember the day I met Ernie.

I did not want to clearly, distinctly, vividly remember when Professor Sprout told me that my mother died.

That day, I woke up. I got dressed. I ate breakfast. I went to Herbology. I must have been there for ten minutes before Professor told me. She whispered it to me; I guess she figured people would find out if only I told them. But this is Hogwarts, everyone knew by dinner.

I went to my dormitory and began to pack my trunk. I felt like a zombie, like I was living someone else's life. I kept packing. I walked into the common room to wait for Professor Sprout to retrieve me and take me to her office to floo home.

Ernie came in and sat beside me.

I remember him talking to me. Saying everything I needed to hear. I remember him hugging me tightly, and I felt so safe. He stroked my hair and said, "I'll visit you. Christmas and Easter. I promise."

He kept that promise.

That Christmas he was at my house. We played wizard's chess and he talked to me about everything at Hogwarts. Zacharias was causing commotion with the Gryffindors. Professor Slughorn threw a party. He helped me take my dad, who had passed out from fire-whiskey and eggnog, up to his room. And then he came with me to mine.

"Do you want to come back?" he asked me.

"No," I replied truthfully. "I don't miss it."

"They made Susan prefect."

"Oh."

And then he kissed me. My second kiss. Or maybe I didn't have to count Justin. My first real kiss then. It was brief and Ernie tasted like vanilla.

"Was that weird?" he asked.

"No," I replied again.

"I miss you, Han. Everyday I miss you."

I said nothing. We fell asleep there, with his hand in mine._I took your words  
And I believed  
In everything  
You said to me  
_

My first choice was to believe him.

He came by after Dumbledore's funeral. I like to imagine that he came to my house straightaway after getting off the Hogwarts Express.

I like to imagine it because I'm sure it didn't happen that way.

We sat closely together on the leather couch my father had spent a fortune on, and relayed the past month's events to me. He explained with great fury how the entire school was attacked and no one thought to alert the Hufflepuffs.

"We were a part of the bloody DA too, or did those damn Gryffindors forget that?"

I remained silent but remembered to nod approvingly. I always fancied Ernie when he was angry. The way his hazel eyes held flecks of green, the way his hair seemed to stand on end, the beautiful ways his lips could move. I absolutely adored him.

"The funeral though, that was awful. I always fancied Dumbledore to be immortal. I always thought it would never…he would never…"

I held him as he tried to find his voice again. My arms surrounded his shoulders and I brought him close to my chest, taking in the scent of him. We stayed like this for awhile.

I could have stayed like that forever.

I let go of him and he moved close to me. So close in fact, that I realized his eyes were more amber than hazel. He kissed me again. Our second kiss. I had dreamed of our second kiss since we shared our first. The kiss turned into a snogging session that lasted for nearly five minutes. Perhaps it would have kept going had my father not come home at that exact moment. We broke apart, and I was so sure my father would have a few choice words for Ernie. But instead, he stumbled inside and passed out on the floor.

"You reckon he's a bit drunk?"

I nodded. Again, Ernie helped me take my father upstairs. And again, we found our way into my room. I sat nervously on the bed, hoping Ernie would sit alongside me.

He smiled at me and began to look around my room, admiring my Weird Sisters posters, and all the pictures I had of Susan and me.

"I love your room," he noted.

I tried to smile casually but my insides were on fire. Finally, he did come and sit with me on my bed. He put his fingers in my hair and twirled it around.

"I love your hair," he said.

We were kissing again. I was on my back and Ernie was on top of me. Suddenly, my mind was racing, a pace that could match my heartbeat. I'd always imagined intimate moments with Ernie would be perfect and well-orchestrated. That I'd be his girlfriend.

"Hannah," he breathed, his voice snapping me back to the present. He had a hand on one side of me and another hovering over my body.

"Hannah," he said again, "Can I…can I touch you…there?" His head tilted in the direction of my breast.

I imagined my response to be seductive and sophisticated. After this day, I would always mentally kick myself for my inability to be sexy at this particular opportunity.

"Yeah, alright," I stupidly responded.

He smiled at me and we resumed snogging. I felt his hand travel underneath my shirt and over my bra, giving my right breast a soft squeeze. A sound journeyed through my throat and out past my lips. I moaned, right into his mouth. I could feel my cheeks turn red with embarrassment. I was sure Ernie thought I was incredibly weird but instead I felt him smirk against my lips.

He moved his mouth from my lips to my neck and his hand traveled to my other breast. While he kissed my neck, I was unaware of what to do with myself. Striking up conversation would be more embarrassing than moaning. So I just laid there, like the inexperienced seventeen-year-old girl that I was.

Ernie stopped kissing my neck and looked at me. His eyes, they looked different at this moment. I wish I had known then that this was the look he would give me more times than I could count in the future. That look, those eyes…it drove me crazy.

He kissed my lips, gently and placed a hand under my head. "Are you okay with this?" he asked.

"Yes." I simply stated.

His other hand was on my leg, rubbing my thigh in a circular motion. I tried hard not to breathe. His hand moved up my leg, into my shorts and pushed aside the fabric of my knickers. He kissed me again, very softly, before moving his fingers in and out of me. I moaned again, louder than before, and he began to kiss my neck.

I was feeling overwhelmed, tiny sensations running through my body every time he thrust his fingers in and out of me. When he stopped, I felt breathless. He stood up and left the room. I heard the facet run in the bathroom across the hall. I stood and straightened my clothing and looked at my hair in the mirror. When he came back in, he stood behind me and snaked his arms around my waist.

"There's a lot going on right now, Han. I'm going to make things good for you. I'm going to get us through this. You won't lose anyone else close to you. Trust me. I'll do whatever it takes."

__

If someone said three years from now  
You'd be long gone  
I'd stand up and punch them out 'cause they're all wrong  
I know better  
Cause you said forever and ever  
Who knew  


My second choice was to look for him.

After that day at my house, Ernie came by three times, every Thursday. The Thursday he stopped coming, I laid in bed all day. The next Thursday, he hadn't come. I owled him three times. He never responded. My worst fear is that he had died. My best fear is that he no longer fancied me.

Six Thursdays passed. On the Wednesday of what would be the seventh Thursday, an owl flew onto the ledge of my bedroom window. I unraveled the parchment on its leg.

_D.A. member,_

_Ginny reckons the war is starting soon. We want to get everyone in the D.A. ready to help Harry. We're going to train for a long time, probably until Harry needs us. Make arrangements to stay at Dean Thomas' house for two months or so. Come to Dean's on the 12th of June. _

_See you all soon,_

_Seamus_

I re-read the letter at least a dozen times. I was so certain that Ernie would have gotten a letter as well. And the thought of seeing him at Dean Thomas' was somewhat bittersweet. If he wasn't there, I wouldn't get to see him. But if he was there, that meant he had received Seamus' letter which meant he had also received mine which meant he no longer fancied me.

I really was tempted to go to Dean's, but I knew I couldn't leave my father. Not in the state he was in. He fancied the drink a right amount and I knew I needed to be there for him. But the thought of seeing Ernie baited me so, and I reasoned that a few hours away from my dad would do no harm.

I grabbed a piece of parchment and scribbled my agreement to Seamus, making sure to clarify I wouldn't be staying for the entire time. I watched the owl soar out of sight.

That night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about the war. I wanted more than anything to train myself up to fight, to avenge my mother. I vowed to myself that I would work hard, training and preparing. But mostly, I was just scared. We were all just kids after all.

The next day, I decided to take the Knight Bus to Ernie's house. When I arrived, I knocked twice on his door. Two knocks in quick succession. I waited.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I apparated back into my house feeling dejected. I racked my brain for some sort of hint of where he might of gone. Vacation? No, he never mentioned it. Perhaps he was staying at Zacharias' or Justins'. Unlikely.

I sent another letter, a last attempt to appear casual and calm when every part of me was aching to find him.

When I slept that night, I dreamt of amber eyes.

_  
Remember when we were such fools  
And so convinced and just too cool  
I wish I could touch you again  
I wish I could still call you friend  
I'd give anything  
_

My third choice was to join him.

The night before I was to meet the D.A., I was a nervous wreck. My attempts to find Ernie were futile and I was beginning to believe my effort was not whole-hearted. I got dressed for bed, a simple tank top and shorts. As I climbed into bed I glanced out the window, hoping to see some sort of incoming owl.

No such luck.

I began to drift off to sleep when I felt my shoulder being shaken lightly.

"Hannah."

I knew that voice.

I turned to look at the person next to me.

I knew those eyes.

"Hey," I whispered. "I've missed you."

"I know," was the reply.

I leaned forward hoping to be met with a kiss. Ernie, however, got off of my bed and strode toward the window.

"Listen, Hannah. I know that things between us…I know that we aren't just friends anymore. It's more than that. We're more than that now. Do you agree?"

"Yes."

"Some things have happened and I need you right now. I need you to be there for me. To trust me. To understand me. To – to…"

"To love you?" I surprised even myself by saying that. I had always believed that I loved Ernie, I'd never told him. I envisioned how I'd say it to him, passionately and full of lust. But of course, I stuffed it up.

"Yes, Han. To love me. Do you?"

"I do."

He looked at me. That look. "I love you too."

He discarded his robe and climbed into bed with me. We laid there for awhile, in silence, but my thoughts were so loud. I wondered if this was the best that it gets, to have someone that loves you by your side. To be loved. To love.

Suddenly, we were making love. To be honest, I knew that it would never be how I dreamt it would be. We were both virgins, inexperienced and full of feelings we knew nothing about. But somehow that worked for me.

When Ernie was inside of me, he held my hand. When I gasped at the pain, he gently kissed me. When we were finished, he helped me wipe the blood from my thighs. We whispered I love yous and drifted off to sleep.

I guess that moment was the climax of the story, in every sense of the word.

When I woke up the next morning, Ernie was gone. I felt so sore I could barely stand. I checked my dad's room, to make sure he was alright. He was still asleep. I left a note and apparated to Dean's house in London.

Throughout the entire meeting I couldn't concentrate. I kept thinking about Ernie, who hadn't shown up yet.

"Seamus, did Ernie say he was coming?"

Seamus shrugged. "He never responded to the letter. You haven't spoken to him?"

I shook my head. "I'd better get going. I've got to check on my dad."

"Alright. Come back when you can."

I smiled at Seamus and waved goodbye. When I got back to my house I found my father in the same place I'd left him. I stepped into the shower and got ready for bed. But I didn't sleep. I somehow believed that all the wishing in the world would bring Ernie back to me.

And it did.

It was a little past two o' clock when he came into my room. I was awoken by a kiss on the cheek and a hand in my hair. We made love again that night. I felt fit to question him after we were through.

"Where were you this morning?"

"I had to leave. I didn't want to wake you."

A poor excuse. "I wouldn't have minded."

He didn't say anything.

"Why weren't you at the D.A meeting?"

"I'm not in the D.A."

"What?"

"Look Han, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

Something about his tone, the way he shifted to look at me, told me this was not a good something.

"You know that my family is pureblood."

"I know."

"I have to protect my family. I have to do right by them. All this time that I've been gone…" he hesitated. "I've been with Adrian Pucey."

That name, it was so familiar but I couldn't place it. "I'm sorry, I don't know him."

"He wasn't in our year. You know his uncle though, MacNair."

That name I did know. "The executioner? The Death Eater?"

Ernie said nothing.

Oh, Merlin, please no. Please don't let this mean what I think it means. Please don't let the man I love become the man I need to hate.

"Ernie, are you.." I couldn't bring myself to finish my statement.

"I love you. I do, Han, honestly I do. Voldemort can provide for us, after the war, we'll be secure and safe."

"Ernie, these people killed my mother."

"Hannah I know that, but don't you think that if you joined him, you would never have to lose anyone like that again?"

I studied his face. Those amber eyes looked black in the shadow of my bedroom. The hair that I loved so much looked limp and unkempt. I couldn't recognize this person standing in front of me.

"I have lost someone else haven't I?" I responded.

"You don't mean me? Hannah you can't possibly—"

"I want you to go, Ernie. I need you to."

He didn't protest as he walked out the door. He lingered a bit before I heard his apparition as he descended the stairs.

I hoped he didn't hear my sobs.

_  
When someone said count your blessings now  
'fore they're long gone  
I guess I just didn't know how I was all wrong  
They knew better  
Still you said forever and ever  
Who knew_

My fourth choice was to love him.

This was the hardest choice of all.

As we got closer to the war, I noticed my dad had become increasingly difficult to manage. There was no telling when he'd be sober, which happened rarely. I thought about confronting him and holding this huge intervention where I would tell him how much the drink was hurting both of this and we would hold each other and cry and he'd promise to stop.

I thought about it. But it never happened.

I let him drink, because I knew it was his way of dealing. I guess my way of dealing was fighting, practicing with the D.A., and Ernie.

Ernie.

I wish I could have let it be that night he told me he was a Death Eater. But I loved him. So when he owled me to meet him at Adrian Pucey's flat, I had shown up.

When we made love (for the third time), he kept telling me how much he loved me. And even though it was during intercourse, I still believed him.

And when I left, I saw Adrian looking at me with dark eyes. The same eyes that Ernie now had. I wondered what color Adrian's eyes were before he was a Death Eater.

_  
I'll keep you locked in my head  
Until we meet again  
And I won't forget you my friend  
What happened  
That last kiss I'll cherish  
Until we meet again  
_The day before the final battle, I was asleep at Dean's with the rest of the D.A. Ginny, Luna and slept in the beds across the room. I was absolutely restless, as I thought they would have been, and anxious about tomorrow. I slipped on a robe and put on some sandals. I made my way to Dean's backyard and leaned against the strong oak tree.

Something inside of me told me to wait there, just for a moment more.

That something must have been the same something that told Ernie to arrive.

He walked toward me, without his usual swagger. "Hey," he greeted me.

"Hey."

"Nice night, tonight."

"Yeah, I love August."

Silence.

"Han—" He lifted his arm to stroke my hair.

Sobs filled my throat and I hastily tried to get rid of them. "Ernie, don't."

"No, I need to say this. Just let me say this."

I turned my gaze from the ground to his eyes. "Alright."

"Tomorrow…it's the end. After tomorrow, it'll all be over. And if I don't…if I'm not here after tomorrow, just know that, you were the one, Han. I love you…so much that sometimes it hurts me. I know you understand why I did this, even if you don't agree. You understand because you and I are the same."

He kissed me, softly. A kiss filled with everything that had been said, a kiss filled with everything that couldn't be said.

He held me close to him. "I love you. And if we get through this, I want everything with you. A family, a life…a future. Could you do that? Could you be that for me?"

At this moment, I thought about the choices I had. I knew the choice I had to make.

And I made it.

_And time makes it harder  
I wish I could remember  
But I keep your memory  
You visit me in my sleep_

After the war had finally come to an end, we had prevailed. During the battle, I saw many Death Eaters fall. Through their masks I couldn't tell who they were. Many of the Aurors were taking their masks off, to name the dead.

Adrian Pucey's eyes were blue, in case anyone was wondering.

I never saw Ernie, during the battle or after. When Auror Moody questioned me about his whereabouts, having received information that Ernie and I were close, I told him I didn't know.

And that was the truth. I never knew where Ernie was. I wasn't sure if he had died, or if he had simply flown the country like many other Death Eaters had.

But every night, he was there. Always in my dreams.

_I miss you_

_My darling  
Who knew_

In the end, I chose to love him.


End file.
